I had other intentions for today’s post, however I really just need to let it all out right now.

I’ve been told by multiple people (including my brother in law) that my husband is verbally abusive towards me. Until my trauma work, I didn’t really believe that. After almost a year of trauma work with my therapist, I absolutely see it. My mom says she watches him take all of my self-esteem away with his cruel words. She’s right. And I HATE admitting that my mom is right about anything! 

This weekend in Chicago, I made a comment about how I had never seen an outlet mall that was indoors. I followed that up with an ah-ha moment: “Ooooh! It’s because of all the snow isn’t it? That’s why they’re inside?!?!” He was quick to point out how stupid I was to not have known that, and then proceeded to carry on about how I walk around acting like I know everything about the north because my family is from there but I don’t know anything. The comments continued until I was literally on the verge of tears. I felt about an inch tall. This is verbal abuse, I thought. 

Tonight, I was getting my daughter’s clothes laid out for tomorrow and he was supposed to be giving her a bath. I could hear them rough-housing in my bedroom and then I could tell her face was buried in the covers and her playful yells were muffled. I asked my husband what was going on and he couldn’t hear me. I walked to the bedroom and asked again, this time louder since she was mid-squeal. Apparently she had kicked him in the face accidentally as I walked in. I asked “Why isn’t she getting ready for bath?” He yelled at me. Not just yelled an answer to my question; no, that maybe could’ve been overlooked. Instead he yelled, “GO AWAY!” This was immediately followed by my two year old yelling at me, “You go away Mom!” 

My daughter is learning to be disrespectful towards me because I have a husband who doesn’t respect me. 

This is not the first time this has happened. However, because I’m on the tail end of my trauma work and I’m also in marriage counseling, it’s the first time I’ve really recognized it as it’s occurring. 

I feel trapped. 

My daughter LOVES her daddy. I love him too, but if I didn’t have her, it would be easier to leave today. I have made a commitment to stay and try to work things out with him and see if he is willing to make the changes I asked for. I asked him to do two things:

  1. Be responsible
  2. Be nice

It’s been a month and I feel like things have actually gotten worse. Of course he doesn’t take responsibility for that. He says it’s because I only want to see the fighting, not the happy times. I don’t know if that’s true or not – I feel like I can’t always trust my perception.

All I know is that tonight, I really just want to leave.