Have you ever felt so emotionally dysregulated that you thought the best way out was to kill yourself? I have. What about when you want to die because you don’t think you’re worthy of living? Am I alone in that?
Sometimes, my urges to self-injure are so strong that I literally think I might explode if I don’t cut.
Sometimes, I truly believe that the only way to escape the craziness in my head is to die.
Those are strong statements; they are strong and very, very real for me. Living with PTSD, depression, and anxiety can be incredibly scary. The things that go through my head are not “normal.” Normal people don’t think about killing themselves on a daily basis.
I’m happy to report that I actually don’t think about suicide on a daily basis anymore, and haven’t since getting through some trauma work. I was 8 years old the first time I journaled about wanting to kill myself. Yes, you read that right: 8. Most 8 year olds aren’t contemplating suicide. I was 13 the first time I attempted it, and 18 the last time I tried (that one required a doctors visit). It’s been over 10 years since I’ve tried to kill myself, but the thoughts are still there.
Today I have healthy coping skills though…that I use tirelessly. I have Play-Dough that I squeeze to help me stay present and mindful and not hurt myself. I have breathing exercises. And, I have yoga. When I feel so overwhelmed that I am thinking about hurting myself, I practice yoga poses that are challenging. The first one I chose to do this with was Crow Pose (see my profile picture?). I’ve recently been doing this with Headstand. Why, you ask? Because you can’t think about killing yourself when you’re doing cool yoga shit. But really…try it. It is pretty much impossible to bust out in Crow and also think about hurting yourself at the same time. And, it’s hard to frown when you’re upside down. So, if you’re having a rough day, look up cool yoga poses, a video of how to get into them safely, and start practicing! You’ll be amazed at what your body can do.