I feel like my last post was so positive. I hate to disappoint my readers, but this one is probably a bit more on the cynical side. Postpone your reading until my next entry if you want something more uplifting.
I went to bed last night thinking that the yoga class and reiki had quieted my trauma memories for a while. I was wrong. You can’t control your mind when you’re sleeping, or at least I haven’t figured out how to yet. My dreams last night were horrible. It’s one thing to have dreams reliving your own abuse, it’s another thing to have dreams of your abuser hurting your daughter the same ways he hurt you. Those are the worst. Those dreams are far worse than anything else my mind could conjure up. And then to have that dream immediately followed by a dream that your husband leaves you and files for full custodial rights. It was too much to handle. I was a complete wreck this morning when I arrived at restorative yoga – functioning on 4 broken hours of sleep and anxiety numbers at a 10. I am fortunate though in that my restorative yoga teacher knows a very small bit of my history and could tell that something was off today. She brought out extra sandbags for me and weighed me down for some extra grounding. She also had us do lots of cleansing breaths today to let go of everything that wasn’t serving us. I’m not sure if that was in her plan or if she did it because I was so anxious, but either way, I really benefited. She also used lots of phrases today that she doesn’t normally use; phrases about calming the mind and anxiety. I feel like the whole class was tailored to me, not the other 8 people in there. Of course that could be because I’m an egotistical alcoholic so I can’t really trust my perception on that – maybe it was just because I chose to see it that way.
I go back to working full time on Monday and I really don’t know what I’m going to do without this yoga class. I know that I can go to a couple other yoga classes a week, but none are restorative. I feel like my shrink would say “What’s your plan for taking care of yourself when you go back to work next week?” My answer is “I don’t fucking know!” I am really stressed about it. Seeing how much my body and mind needed this class this morning makes me worry about hitting high anxiety numbers when I don’t have this ability to attend this class. I made it through the whole day without hurting myself (not even wrist banging) because of this class! What is going to happen to me when I no longer get to attend two restorative classes a week?! I’m going to die! And not because of suicide, but because I’m going to spontaneously combust as a result of anxiety. I know my shrink would tell me that’s an irrational fear and that I’m consuming myself with this anticipatory anxiety or whatever the fuck it is, but no – this is real for me – this fear is real. I need restorative yoga the way that addicts need methadone pills. And doing it at home does help, yes; however, it is not the same as going to a class and having access to as many sandbags as you need and someone there to remind you to focus on your breathing when your mind strays. I’m panicking. I need to quit my job and become a stay at home mom — except my kid would still need to go to daycare haha. But really though, I am so afraid that I’m going to be lost after I start back to work….like I’m going to resort back to old coping skills that aren’t healthy because I won’t have easy access to the healthy skills that I’ve been using. The fear is so real tonight.