There are not words to adequately describe the array of emotions that I am feeling deep down to my core at this very moment. It was a really difficult trauma session today. Writing a letter to your younger self, showing your younger self compassion, is emotional enough. Having someone then read that letter aloud to you is damn near impossible. It felt as if my insides were just crumbling to pieces. And now I am left feeling so overwhelmed with sadness and grief and despair…but also a bit of relief and comfort. Every bit of those emotions feel so intense right now that I just want to escape. I want to feel nothing. I want to be completely numb to the tears and the pain that I am working through tonight. But to feel that level of numbness, I would need to cut…a lot. Cutting is not an option today. I have come way too fucking far for that. Every time I cut over my trauma stuff, he is winning. Instead, I’ve spent much of the last hour in Legs Up The Wall, Shoulderstand, Headstand, and Supported Bridge. Yoga didn’t take the pain away. It didn’t make me numb. But yoga allowed me to sit with my feelings without hurting myself. And pretty much my only goal between the time therapy ended tonight and the time I go to bed (which is shortly now), is to NOT hurt myself.
I can’t take credit for the awesomeness of this blog title. It’s from the song “Rise” by Disturbed. I’m including a YouTube video that plays the song and shows the lyrics. Music has always been an effective coping skill for me. Tonight is no different as I continue working to rise above the decay of my life.