It’s Saturday night and there are so many things that I should be doing for work, but I can’t concentrate. I can’t stop thinking about these last two or three weeks. They have been the most difficult weeks in terms of my trauma work since probably February or March. It’s hard to tell if it’s really been difficult, or if it just seems difficult because work is so stressful. Normally, work is a nice distraction from my trauma work and the craziness inside of my head. But these last few weeks, it’s been tough to juggle both. And I rarely have the time or energy to take care of myself.
Because things have been so stressful, I find myself getting caught up in flashbacks and dissociating more. I try to prevent it, of course. And the instances of dissociation don’t last a long time (at least I don’t think they do…). I haven’t cut myself. I have been to two yoga classes this week – yin and restorative. Both were necessities for me this week. Yoga is the only thing that has helped me escape the crazy thoughts racing through my brain.
I’m trying really hard to remind myself that even though these last few weeks have been tough, overall, I am doing ok and things are so much better than they were this time last year. But it’s hard. I’d be lying if I told you that I’m 100% ok tonight. Because I’m not. I want to be. But I’m not. I want the flashbacks to end. More than anything in the world, I want to not remember anymore memories. I don’t want to remember what he did to me or how it felt. I don’t want to remember where it happened or how old I was. I don’t want to know how many times it occurred. I want to be normal. Today, in this moment, I don’t care about my post traumatic growth or the meaning in my life. I don’t give a shit if things happen for a reason or not. I am having a two-year old tantrum because I don’t want to have flashbacks anymore. Just like my daughter has tantrums because she doesn’t want to brush her teeth anymore. Yep. Can you envision it? Kicking, screaming, flailing, throwing things? It’s just fucking like that in my head right now. I want to quit therapy. I want to quit trauma work. I want to quit trying. I want to give up.
Yes; I’m aware that this is probably not my “rational mind” (or whatever the fuck shrinks call it) speaking. This would be that “emotional mind.” Don’t worry – I’m probably not quitting therapy… I’m not a danger to myself or others either. I’m just worn out from fighting the depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide and self harm these last few weeks.
I need a break from life.
Like, if I could just go on vacation for a week by myself, I would probably be able to work through all of the shit that’s clouding up my brain right now and then come back ready to continue on with life on life’s terms. Anyone else ever feel that way? I need a break from all of the stress in life so I can just focus on working through my trauma stuff. Maybe I should get admitted to psych just so I can have that time? No. That’s probably not a good idea haha. My therapist from my hometown always told me that sending me to psych would do more harm than good…and I’d probably come back with a whole bunch of new tricks for hurting myself. As an adult, I think going to psych is probably not good from a career perspective….my boss would probably be PISSED if I were admitted to the hospital for mental health issues. It’s frowned upon in my profession.
For tonight, I’m trying to trust that the flashbacks will eventually go away. Anyone reading this with PTSD have any insight on this…do they go away? I’m trying to remind myself that I am actually ok, even though it doesn’t feel that way. I’m trying to take care of myself, even though I am exhausted. I am trying to reinforce that I am not crazy; I’m just a product of a fucked up childhood and today, my PTSD is more powerful than me.
***Tonight’s blog title comes from the movie Short Term 12***