Since starting this whole yoga thing to help with my trauma work and PTSD symptoms, I’ve heard a variety of phrases that cause me to raise an eyebrow every once in a while.
- Find what feels good
- What would feel good right now
- Show yourself compassion
Now, depending on the day, I may be cooperative and totally respond appropriately to those phrases. I also might fall in the floor in a fit of giggles because my mind instantly goes to vibrators and dildos 😳 (Hey, you said find what feels good and show myself compassion…). If my head is in a bad place, I might tell you to fuck off…or I might be screaming on the inside “I don’t fucking know what would feel good!”
My moods are up and down and slightly unpredictable. I’m pretty sure I’m not bipolar though…I just have a lot of stuff going through my head on a daily basis and some days I cope with it better than others.
Today, I’m struggling with my trauma stuff again. My shrink seems unconcerned though so it probably isn’t as big of a deal as my mind is making it. Instead of continuing in this cycle of craziness and depression, I’m finding what feels good. Since I’m still sick and can barely breathe, a yoga class isn’t really an option. Instead it’s Cheesecake Factory cheesecake (leftover from the other day) and ordering wings for dinner. Oh my god I am so fucking excited for wings! Spicy goodness dipped in ranch dressing. Delicious.
My anorexic mind is already hating me for the few bites of cheesecake that I just ate. But I don’t care. That part of my brain can shut the fuck up while I indulge in food tonight. Because THAT is what would feel good. Since I’ve been sick, I’ve not really eaten in 3 days. The only think I wanted was a peach milkshake from Chick-Fil-A, but I stopped yesterday and apparently they are done selling them until next summer 😩 Assholes. So today, it’s cheesecake and wings. Fuck you trauma work and therapy.