Well, we had marriage counseling today. I tried hard to remain present for the majority of the session, and I think I was successful with that so that’s always a positive.

I’m not so sure that it was a productive session though and by the end, I was beyond frustrated with myself, thinking that maybe I am not justified in my anger. It’s so hard to trust myself and my reaction to situations sometimes. I struggle to tell if I’m overreacting or not. For more info on the situation I’m referencing, see my previous post: My Marriage Is Crumbling.

Everyone who knows me and knows the situation thinks I should leave my husband. It just isn’t that simple. It’s scary. I’ve been with him for almost 10 years. I don’t know what my adult life would look like without him. And I do love him and care about him. However, I also don’t feel like I am happy in this marriage 85% of the time. I want more. I want a husband who is around; who puts me and our daughter first; who doesn’t hold things over my head; who is honest; who can financially support himself; who takes time to just be present with me; who cares more about my mental health and making sure I’m taking care of myself than “fairness.” I don’t know if I’ll leave him or not, and that’s a scary place to be. I like to know what is going to happen. I don’t do well with uncertainty and instability. 

Deep breaths. In July, I set a time line: by the end of October, I’ll reevaluate and make a decision. It’s scary to think that I may not be celebrating Christmas as a family of three. 

Didn’t have time for a yoga class today, but made a quick stop to browse Target and got Statbucks. Showing myself compassion by just taking some time for myself. Target is my happy place. And I didn’t buy razorblades 😉 It’s all going to be ok.