Borderline Personality Disorder:
- Extreme fear of abandonment
- Unstable relationships
- Dangerous behavior
- Fucked up sense of self (I don’t even know what that means…)
- Substance abuse
- Severe mood swings
- Anger issues
Yep….I struggle with all of those (sometimes more than others). But today, I’m struggling the most with that first bullet point: extreme fear of abandonment. I’m pretty sure my entire support system is falling apart and I’m completely alone today. I am completely alone. The good, the bad, the ugly – it doesn’t matter. I’m always left to fight for myself. Even my husband doesn’t care enough to be excited for me or sad for me or proud of me. It’s not just the negative parts of life that I need a support system, I need people to celebrate the accomplishments with me as well. But these last few days, it’s like everyone has abandoned me. And if my support system doesn’t give a shit, then why should I? I’ve been on such an emotional high these last 36 hours, but I can feel it crashing down now. And of course there is no one here helping me pick up the pieces. I’m totally abandoned as I try to figure out what my future is going to look like.
Today, it would be easier to give in to all of the thoughts racing through my mind. After all, no one cares anyway. I am completely alone. I miss having friends. I miss having a husband that I feel a connection with. I miss feeling that safety, security, and support. I’m afraid to even try to establish those relationships at this point because I’m pretty sure they will just abandon me when I need them, everyone else seems to.
I don’t even know how yoga can help with this. I go to the same yoga classes every week (and have for like 5 months)and still haven’t made any friends. I feel like such an outcast. I’m so horrible at trying to have friends or maintain healthy relationships. That’s probably a different topic from this one though.
I just wish things were different today. I wish I were different.