If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

My shrink has a whole bunch of “inspirational quotes” or whatever playing on a tv screen in the waiting room. While I was waiting for marriage counseling today (she shares an office with my shrink), this quote came across the tv. I’m sure my current mindset didn’t help my perspective of this quote, but I started fantasizing about “the end,” and what that would look like. Not just the end of life, but the end of lots of things. The end of mental health issues; the end of my marriage; the end of my sister being sick; the end of feeling like this; the end of being overworked and underpaid; the end of trauma work; the end of nightmares; the end of anxiety. When it’s “the end,” everything is supposedly ok according to this quote. 

Sometimes when I’m in yoga, the end of the yoga pose leaves me feeling peaceful inside. But other times, depending on the instructor and class, the end of the yoga pose leaves me longing for more – like it wasn’t enough. Which makes me wonder: is it really “the end” when everything is ok? 

God I would fucking love for everything to just be ok right now. 

just want to be ok.