Tonight was literally the best night I’ve had in weeks. I had therapy, which I desperately needed. There have only been a handful of times in the last 6-8 months where I felt like I NEEDED therapy; this past week was one of them.
After therapy, I got to attend a restorative yoga class that I don’t get the opportunity to attend regularly. The teacher is a reiki energy healer as well. I’ve written about her a couple of times on my blog. She is truly incredible. I don’t benefit as much from the restorative yoga piece of her classes as I do from the reiki piece. Tonight, there were only two of us in the class, so she spent a lot of time working with each of us.
I don’t know what it is about this teacher, I’ve had others who practice reiki, but this teacher literally touches a part of my soul that no one else can. Well, I take that back, my “adoptive mom” in high school used to touch that part of my soul every time she hugged me. It’s the part of my soul that the little girl resides in, the one that he hurt. It’s the part of my soul that is so deeply wounded, I hide it from the rest of the world.
It doesn’t matter how horrible the memories are that are flashing through my mind, when this teacher lays her hands on me, I am instantly transported into every positive moment in that memory. It’s sometimes hard to imagine that there were positive moments within memories of childhood sexual abuse. But when this teacher practices reiki with me, that’s what happens.
I see the sky – it is blue and beautiful. I feel the wind against my face as we are riding our bikes down the big hill near the house. I am so warm from the sun above. I am laughing on the bedroom floor at the realistic sounds of military guns that he makes with his army men. In those moments, I am ok.
All of the positive memories that I have flood my brain, becoming so much more powerful than any of the scary, painful memories. I don’t understand the how or the why behind reiki. I don’t understand why this teacher is able to do this for me. Regardless of the reason, it is truly incredible, and I am so grateful for her work.
Tonight I am going to bed with anxiety numbers below a 5 for the first time in weeks. Tonight I am going to bed feeling safe: safe from the memories, safe from the pain, and safe from myself. Tonight, I am going to bed with gratitude. I am so blessed to have a therapist who never stops fighting for me, even when I quit fighting for myself; I am blessed to have yoga; and I am blessed to have the positive experiences from my childhood.