I have to believe that one day I won’t have flashbacks anymore. I don’t know if that’s possible, or if I’m just holding onto this false sense of hope. I wish there were a pill or something  I could take to make this all go away. 

It’s true that after a year of trauma work, my flashback do not dysregulate me as bad as they used to. However, it seems like they come completely out of no where. I was finally starting to feel ok after last week’s struggles, but my last 12 hours have been full of flashbacks, nightmares, and anxiety. It’s not a “temporary problem,” this is my whole fucking life. 

I’m ready for things to change. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Find a magic wand real fucking quick because I’m losing my shit on this rollercoaster. 

Fighting hard to stay present today: counting inhales and exhales, play-doh, and getting consumed with my work. 

Fighting hard today because I don’t trust myself.