Sometimes things happen that are super triggering for my trauma stuff. While I usually know what things will trigger it, I don’t always know when those triggers will occur. Today was one of those days. Something painful happened this morning that triggered my trauma stuff. In less than three seconds, I was 8 years old again. The physical pain and fear was just as present this morning as it was the day it happened.
15 hours later, I’m still in pain; and I can’t tell if the pain is from what happened today or if it’s from what happened 20 years ago.
I am afraid to go to sleep, because I can almost bet that I’m going to have nightmares. I am afraid to close my eyes and see the girl that he hurts. I am afraid to feel it all over again.
Sometimes it is easy to see post-traumatic growth and find meaning in my suffering, but other days (days like today), it’s difficult to be at peace with my past.