“What’s scaring you right now?” My marriage counselor asked me this yesterday as I was sitting on the couch crying and shaking and trying not to look at her.
I avoided the question. A tactic I have mastered after 15 years of therapy. I only answer questions when I’m ready to answer them in therapy – when I feel safe and when I have my thoughts together. I didn’t have either of those things yesterday.
Today I can tell you all of the reasons I was scared yesterday.
- Having flashbacks is scary. Sitting in a room with two other people who are talking about something totally separate from my traumatic experiences and having a flashback of being 8 years old again is terrifying
- Being out of control of my emotions is also terrifying for me
- After the issues I had the other night with not medicating mindfully, it’s scary knowing that I may not be able to keep myself safe when my trauma stuff is out of control like it is right now
- It’s also scary to know that the past still has such a huge impact on me and my ability to function “normally”
I want more than anything to just be ok. I want the memories to go away. I want the anxiety and fear and sadness to disappear. I’m taking a break from trauma work over this next week. I’ll be focusing my energy on taking care of myself as best as I can.