It’s the first day off my husband and I have had together in several weeks. Actually, he isn’t off all day, just until 4:30 this afternoon. I went to my 8:45 yoga class, picked up donuts on my way home, and got home by 10:30.
After donuts, my toddler pitched a huge fit because she wanted to ride her bike outside – well it’s pouring rain. She then decides play doh would be better. I asked the husband to get her set up with play doh. He groans and says he doesn’t want to do play doh. I’m trying to get the kitchen cleaned. I tell him fine, I’ll just do it. He gets pissed off and storms upstairs, where he stayed, napping, until 1pm.
How many moms have ever been allowed to do that? Yeah…that’s what I thought.
When he woke up, I asked him if he had gotten paid yesterday (it was pay day). He did. $200 less than what he’s been getting paid. I asked him why and he really didn’t give me a valid reason. He just yelled, “Enough, woman!” Apparently I’m not even worthy enough of being called by name.
I struggle to trust that he’s telling me the truth. He has lied so many times about so many things, how do I know if he’s telling me the truth about why his paycheck is less?
For the millionth time, he told me he would talk to his boss about his hours and getting put on salary. I’ve been hearing the same shit since July. It’s October.
I don’t understand why we fight on our only day off together in weeks. I don’t understand why he doesn’t just take some responsibility and find a job with a more consistent income.
I wasn’t kidding when I said I couldn’t take anymore stress this week. I’m losing it. The urges to cut are so strong right now. When I was standing in the kitchen, all I wanted was to get the boning knife and press it deep into my arm. I feel like I’m trying so hard to take care of myself, but every time I start to do ok, things get really bad again. I cannot control people, places, or things. I am tired of feeling like I need to cut because of the things my husband says to me or the lack of stability in his life. I need a break.
He can be so emotionally supportive sometimes, but other times he can be so cruel. I hate that my daughter is growing up in a house where she never sees her parents together, and when we are together, we’re fighting. It isn’t ok for her to grow up seeing her dad yelling at me and saying things like, “Enough, Woman!” Anytime I question him or have concerns, he becomes so defensive and angry towards me. I am trying to make this work, but days like today make me question why I still stay with him.