I have always really struggled with sleep. I love sleep. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. But when I sleep, I have nightmares and wake up with panic attacks.
My husband and I work opposite schedules – I work an 8-5 job and he waits tables at night. This doesn’t help with my sleep either because four days a week I end up getting woken up in the middle of the night when he gets home. Well, now that he had his new toy, he stays up late the other 3 nights of the week building a roller coaster 😒
Last night I was asleep before 10pm. This is huge for me! At 2am, I get abruptly awoken by the sound of metal marbles hitting the glass table in our bonus room. My husband’s stupid toy. I go in there and tell him to please stop so that I can sleep. He says ok and comes to bed. Of course first there’s the 20 minute process of him getting ready for bed. By 2:25am, he’s in bed, and by 2:30am, he’s snoring.
Meanwhile, I’m wide fucking awake. The anxiety has set in. My numbers are at a 10. I’m obsessing over the anger I have because I was woken up; I’m obsessing over how many more hours I have to sleep; I’m obsessing over whether or not I’m going to have bad dreams if I fall back asleep; I’m obsessing over all the things I need to do this week. Anxiety is the bitch that takes away all of your sanity before you even know what’s hit you.
I just want to be able to sleep for 8 straight hours with no interruptions and no anxiety and no nightmares. My mind and body are exhausted from years of not sleeping. It was about 4am before I fell back asleep. Essential oils and 2 guided meditations later. Having anxiety in the middle of the night is like trying to smoke crack and go to sleep. It just doesn’t happen.