If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you probably read yesterday’s post: Celebrating with Tears of Gratitude. If you don’t read my blog regularly, yesterday I celebrated 320 days without cutting myself. This is officially the longest stretch I’ve been in the almost 15 years I’ve been cutting. I was filled with an overwhelming amount of gratitude yesterday. I was on Cloud 9 all day, even after a shitty marriage counseling session.

A little over five weeks ago, I was seriously considering killing myself. Don’t be alarmed – my therapists knew. Not to mention, suicide ideation or whatever it’s called is something I have always struggled with. I don’t mean “always” as in since I was a depressed teenager, I mean always as in since I was at least 8 years old. This time was a little scarier than some of the others though. However, I tend to go through these phases a few times a year. I can pretty much always guarantee that I’ll go through one in March – that seems to be the trend anyway. But the others I think are random. This one stemmed from frustration surrounding trauma work…at least from what I remember.

Anyway… So as I was celebrating Day 320 yesterday, and soaking in all of the positivity that I could, it occurred to me that had I killed myself 5 weeks ago, I wouldn’t get to feel how amazing it is to reach Day 320. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt as truly, genuinely happy as I did yesterday. It was like all of my insides were bursting with rainbows and sunshine and unicorns and chocolates 😜 But really, I felt happiness throughout my entire body yesterday. I even had a brief flashback during sex, followed by a rough marriage counseling session, and not even that was enough to make the happiness diminish. And had I followed through on those suicidal thoughts 5 weeks ago, I would’ve never known what it was like to feel that happy. I would’ve never known what it was like to have that level of gratitude for others and for myself.

Moral of the story: Don’t fucking kill yourself because you just never know what cool emotional experience you’ll be missing out on. 

Now, when I do die one day (not today), at least nobody can say that I never knew what it was like to feel genuinely happy 🙂

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