…from this Percocet, Actavis, Ambien, Adderral, Xanax binge. 

There’s a thing floating around Facebook right now about Macklemore’s song “Drug Dealer,” and how the music video adequately depicts the reality of drug addiction. Here’s a link. 

This line about binging on percs and addie and xanax hits home for me in a BIG way. 

Literally minutes before I came across this “article” on Facebook, I was thinking of texting a co-worker to try to get some Ativan today. I am no stranger to recreational prescription drug use….or addiction. My anxiety numbers have been high for several straight days now and I just want relief. I know that those pills will give me that, but I also know that taking them even once will be a gateway for me to fall back into that cycle of addiction and Ambien and Xanax binges. 

Back in December, I went to the doctor for some routine stuff. It was a new doctor this time and she saw the faded lines and scabs on my arm from my last incident with cutting. One of the things she suggested was seeing a psychiatrist for medication. I said no. I told her that I have a history of addiction and that I’m in therapy twice a week and I do yoga. I’m not going on meds; my therapist and I have talked about it at length and both feel it would be a risky move for me.

I don’t miss drugs. I don’t miss the mayhem they caused in my life. I don’t miss the way they fucked with my thinking. But I do miss being blissfully numb. 

And weeks like this week, I miss that numbness more than I could ever adequately express. I am doing hard fucking work in therapy right now. And it hurts. My heart hurts and my insides churn. I want to claw myself to pieces or cut or drink or drug or anything to not feel the things that I feel right now. 

But I can’t do that. I won’t let myself. Because I know that on the other end of this suffering is freedom. If I numb it before getting to the other side, I won’t ever make it there.


Photo credit: danbaxter.blogspot.com