After spending my week working through the blame and guilt that comes with my trauma stuff, and I mean really working through it – not half-assing it because it’s what I’m “supposed to do,” I finally feel less anxious. Sometimes the anxiety only goes away when we get through the problems that are causing it.
I took up 6 pages in my journal this week about my alcoholic, drug addict biological dad. 6 pages of pure emotion – of sadness and grief and rage. 6 pages of hard therapeutic work. 6 pages of healing.
When I told my therapist today that I had 6 pages to read her, she sighed and commented about how I’m always so intense. I find that slightly offensive because I am not always this intense. Not to mention, this is the same shrink who refuses to label me as Borderline….but then makes comments like that, which implies that I do in fact have those characteristics 😒
I was anxious to read her those 6 pages, primarily because I didn’t want to feel all of those emotions and I didn’t want to cry. I know that in therapy, it’s usually the things that we don’t want to do that help us heal the most. In those 6 pages, I talked about how my dad was/is not present for me (mentally and physically), and how his poor judgement and lack of supervision is what ultimately enabled the abuse to continue for all those years.
Today was the first time I really put blame on someone other than myself for the sexual abuse that I experienced.
It was hard to get through all 6 pages in my session today. There were a few times where I wanted to stop, where I felt like I could not handle any more emotion, where I wanted to numb it all. But I did it. I got through it. I didn’t just “get through it,” I felt my way through it and didn’t hurt myself in the process. I’m pretty fucking proud of that 🙂 I’m pretty fucking proud of the fact that I was able to do this work throughout the course of this week without being told to. I did it because I was ready to do it. I did it because in order to continue keeping myself safe and healthy, I needed to do it. And I am so glad that I made the decision today to share those 6 pages with my shrink. Even though it was uncomfortable and vulnerable and scary, it was the right thing to do.
And now that it’s over:
I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER
It’s like this weight, this guilt that I’ve carried for 20+ years, has been lifted. “I am happy. I am well. I am at peace. I am safe.” Today, I am all of those things. Today, my past does not control me.