It’s Halloween. There are so many things about this day that are triggering for my PTSD. The bedroom I was sexually abused in as a child was clown themed. Now having a clown-themed bedroom by itself is probably enough to cause PTSD, but then you tack on years of sexual abuse while you’re staring at those clowns and it’s pretty fucking bad.
I also have flashbacks that are triggered by leaves being on the ground in the Fall. We currently have an excessive quantity of crunchy leaves on the ground.
Last year I remember talking about this with my shrink and coming up with a plan for keeping myself safe while taking my daughter trick-or-treating. But this year, I forgot about it. I forgot to prepare. And it wasn’t until we were walking to the park yesterday and I saw one of the houses in our neighborhood COVERED in clowns for Halloween. I told myself I wouldn’t stress about it and would think about it when it got closer to go trick-or-treating.
Well, it’s here. We leave an hour and I am stressing the fuck out. My anxiety is so high. If you read my blog, you may remember my post on suicide awareness day where I talk about my last suicide attempt. It occurred as I was in a dissociated state after seeing clowns. Yep – it’s that bad for me. I’m so anxious right now. I think this falls under the category of “anticipatory anxiety,” because I’m anxious over something that hasn’t even happened yet. But what if it does? What if I have a flashback? What if I dissociate? What if I hurt myself? Omg the anxiety is so real right now.
I just got back from walking the dog. This dropped my anxiety from a 10 to an 8. I know I can get it down another 4 points (at least) with yoga. So now I’m going to go through a 10 minute flow and work on my headstand. Hopefully that will be enough to calm my anxious mind. Hopefully I won’t be haunted by my flashbacks tonight.
PS: Can’t take credit for the title – it comes from an AFI song.