I have jury duty today. Originally, I was going to get my shrink to write a note stating that due to my anxiety and PTSD, I shouldn’t participate at this time. Then, I thought no – I’m a big girl. I can handle this.
I should’ve gotten her to write a note.
Going new places is so stressful for me. I really struggle. Well, then there was an accident and traffic was way worse than I anticipated. Being late is another huge stressor. I some how managed to lose my summons while walking from my kitchen to my car this morning. By the time I was halfway to the courthouse, I was so anxious that I was crying and shaking. I tried to call my husband, but he was trying to get our daughter ready for school and was not helpful.
I’ve successfully made it to jury duty and parked and checked in. I’m so anxious though. Sitting in a room with all of these people I don’t know is anxiety-producing. I’m anxious that maybe I’ll get a case that is triggering for my PTSD. I’m anxious that I’ll make the wrong decision. I don’t want to decide someone’s fate.
My whole week has been filled with anxiety. It’s weeks like this that make me wish I could take medication. I can’t adequately explain how difficult it is to keep my mind from being anxious. I need a restorative yoga class. I need sandbags and yummy poses and nice music. I need to be weighted down so that I feel ok. But that’s not possible today. All I have is my breath. I’m trying to use it to deescalate my anxiety, but it’s a struggle. In a room full of people, I feel totally alone.