The anxiety about work and jury duty is gone. Jury duty, while super stressful this morning, ended up being a lot of sitting around and waiting. I got a lot done for work during that time. Around 2:30 today, they announced that they didn’t need me to serve. I didn’t even have to tell them about my anxiety or PTSD 🙂 And having time to get sort of caught up on work was really helpful.
Now that those stressors are gone, I still have this exteme anxiety hanging around. All week I thought it was over these everyday things. But now that the everyday things are “fixed,” I’m realizing that it might actually be trauma-related anxiety.
I made the four-hour drive last night to visit my family. During my drive, I realized how many emotions I have about the years of childhood sexual abuse I experienced. It’s not just sad or mad, it’s so much deeper than that. When I think about how much of my life was tainted by what he did to me, destroyed by my constant need to numb, the relationships ruined from my fears of abandonment and need for security, it’s devastating. I become furious when I think about it. And actually, truthfully, I feel a little bit hopeless because it seems like these issues are never going to go away.
In marriage counseling this week, my marriage shrink told me that my traumatic experiences make my need for security more intense than other people. I’m pretty sure she didn’t use the word “intense,” but that’s the only word I can think of….and maybe that’s because my anxiety is intense right now. I don’t quite know what to do with all of these emotions.
I think it’s time to go back through some of the post traumatic growth work that I did earlier this year, because today, I’m really struggling to find meaning in my suffering. Today, I just want the suffering to end. The work I did last week on giving some of the blame to my biological dad was awesome; it was a huge sense of relief. But in a way, it’s opened up a lot more emotions about my trauma stuff than I’ve ever had before. And that is where the anxiety is coming from.