I don’t understand why my mind ventures to such dark places. I don’t understand how one day I can be happy, laughing, and ok, but the next day I’m not. Is it because I didn’t get to go to yoga tonight like I had planned? Is it because I skipped yoga this morning, even though I could’ve gone, because I thought I would get to go tonight? I haven’t been to a yoga class since Sunday.
I don’t understand why my brain tells me that the world would be a better place if I weren’t in it; or why it can convince me that my life had meaning, but currently it does not. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. It’s scary when my thoughts take me to these places. I try to notice them and move; I try not to give them too much power. But it doesn’t matter. My biggest fear isn’t the thoughts themselves. My biggest fear is what I will do with those thoughts; what happens on the days when my whole world is upside down and those thoughts arrive? Will I have the courage to acknowledge and let go, or will I cave and give into them?
Today, I am courageous. Today I am productive. I reached out to others, I accomplished a lot at work, and I ate…which would be showing myself compassion. Today, I only allowed the thoughts to be scary and consuming for a little while. One day, I hope they quit coming.
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