It’s Saturday. I’ve spent the last four days with my family for Thanksgiving. This holiday felt more difficult than previous years.
On Wednesday, I got to see my therapist from high school. After going through a folder of session notes, I learned that in some ways, I’ve not changed at all in the last 10 years, and that’s not a good a thing. It’s overwhelming to see that you put so much time and energ (and money) into therapy, but your views and thought process is still just as fucked up as it was in 2005. I feel like a complete failure when it comes to helping myself.
Thursday was Thanksgiving. My husband was such an asshole that morning. He also kept disappearing for 30-45 minutes at a time in the bathroom, which led me to think that he didn’t want to be around me. There were at least three occasions where I texted him wondering where he had gone.
Perhaps the most difficult part of Thanksgiving was seeing how sick my sister was. She has a chronic illness and is medically complicated. About an hour before Thanksgiving dinner, she was rushed to the ER. Thanksgiving felt empty without her. Sitting there with the rest of the family, trying to enjoy it, knowing that my sister was sitting in the hospital in excruciating pain with her fiance, not getting to indulge in turkey and mashed potatoes, was heartbreaking. It reminded me that the grieving process when it comes to her illness is never complete. This area of my life will always be emotionally difficult for me.
Yesterday, I got to spend most of the day with my youngest sister. We took my daughter and went shopping. Thanks to the Athleta Black Friday sale and a coupon, I got new Athleta leggings for $20 😬 I also finished Christmas shopping for my husband and daughter, which is a huge relief.
Last night, I was helping my sister fill out her college applications. In that process, I learned that she is passionate about helping drug addicts. I opened up to her just a little bit about my struggles with drugs and how difficult it is to have mental health issues and addiction issues. It limits your options in terms of treatment. For example, I cannot go anywhere near Benzos. My sister is majoring in pharmacology. I talked to her about the need for anti-anxiety medications that are non-addictive. Hopefully one day she will help develop one 🙂
Well, that sums up my last 3-4 days. Sorry I’ve been a bit MIA on here lately; it’s hard to blog when you’re surrounded by family. I hope my readers in the States had a good holiday 💜