I’ve had a few really good days in terms of not being triggered with trauma stuff, not being suicidal, and not wanting to cut. Really, with the exception of right before/during marriage counseling on Wednesday, I’ve had a good week. Yoga on Monday night and Thursday night were exactly what I needed.
Last night I got home late from work and yoga – around 9pm. I was super productive when I got home and finished all of the paperwork I needed to do for work by 10 and was ready for bed at 10:30.
I woke up at 3:30 after what I can assume was probably a bad dream, but I can’t remember. I was sweating and shaking, my tummy hurt and I felt like I was going to throw up. It took me 45 minutes to get myself calmed down enough to go back to bed. Then, more bad dreams. This time I remembered them. I had dreamt about my abuser hurting me, but not when we were kids; in this dream he hurt me now, as an adult.
Dreams like this never get easier. Sometimes I’m able to recoup quicker after the dream and not get so anxious, but this time I couldn’t. My anxiety is still really high. Rarely, and I mean very rarely, do I miss work because of my anxiety/PTSD stuff. But today, I’ve had to take a sick day because I just need to take time for myself so that I’m not so anxious. Weekends are always really difficult for me, and if I go into the weekend with my anxiety numbers at a 10, there’s no way I’ll make it out alive.
Maybe one day the nightmares will go away.