I’m so anxious right now. I need to go to sleep, but last night’s series of nightmares have made me anxious about going to sleep. I have my essential oils diffusing and I’ll do yoga nidra after I’m done typing this.

Today I had a job interview. There are a lot of positives about this potential job, but also several negatives. One of the negatives is that I wouldn’t have a flexible schedule like I do now. For me, this is a big deal because it means I really wouldn’t be able to go to therapy anymore. And even if I worked it out so I could see my shrink once a week, there’s no way I could make marriage counseling work…and no way I’d be able to see my shrink twice a week (which is what I try to do when we work on trauma stuff). I’m not sure if physically, I’d be able to handle a full 40 hour week, year round. I would also have to quit one of my part time jobs, which I’m fine with, but it pays really well. Making decisions and commitments has always been a challenge for me. If I decide to go with this company, it means leaving the company that I’ve been with for the last 7 years – my entire adult life. I hate change. I struggle with it. I also struggle to make friends and form relationships with co-workers. Everything about this decision is so incredibly stressful. 

I reached out to my shrink via email today because I am really struggling. Of course I’ve not heard back, and honestly I doubt I will. She’s still out of town and I don’t see her for another four days. That session isn’t supposed to be about working through stuff, it’s supposed to be about celebrating a year of not cutting. However, I’m so overwhelmed with everything at this point (trauma stuff, potentially switch jobs, marriage issues, weight issues, etc.) that I really don’t even see the point in celebrating on Tuesday. I’m too anxious to celebrate.

Anyway, it’s a yoga nidra kinda night. Hopefully my mind will shut the fuck up long enough for me to fall asleep. What I really want is a mother fuck’n drink 😩 Stupid alcoholism. 

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