It’s been one full year since I’ve felt the bite of a razorblade against my skin. One full year since I’ve felt the blissful numbness that only cutting can provide. One year since I’ve given in to your lies.
I remember the first time that I ever cut; I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 14 years old, fighting with my mom, feeling worthless, and then felt a steak knife dragging across my arm, splitting the skin open to reveal a bright red release.
Over the years, it’s been safety pins, knives, lighters, rubber bands; but razorblades have always been the best in terms of tools to self harm with. But now, I’m letting go of that pet of my life; I am saying goodbye to you, Self-Injury.
For half of my life, I believed the lies that you told me. I believed you when you said you could take away the pain, that you could make things better. I believed you when you told me I couldn’t live without you.
Those were all lies. I don’t need you anymore. You didn’t do any of the things you said you would do. When I used to cut myself, I would get stuck in this place of shame. I would hate myself even more than I did before. The scars on my body are a permanent reminder of how much I used to hate myself, of how fucked up I used to be.
Self-Injury, you never gave me what I was craving, not really. You never truly provided me with freedom from the hell that’s in my head. I don’t need you anymore because over the past year, I’ve learned to cope and live life without you.
I don’t need you anymore because I’ve worked through a lot of the things that used to torment me. I have yoga now. Regardless of my emotional state, I can always find a yoga class to help me get into a better place. Because of yoga, I can survive without you, even on the days when I want to kill myself. And because of my work with my therapist, I know that no matter how strong my emotions are, no matter how much I hate myself, those feelings are only temporary. And when they pass, I don’t want the added shame from hurting myself. When they pass, I want to feel freedom, something you’ve never been able to give me.
I am sure there will be moments where I miss you. However, I know that this relationship has to end for good this time. Self-Injury, you don’t serve any purpose in my life anymore.