I go through phases where the need to be perfect outweighs every sane thought in my brain. I’m currently in that phase. I need to be perfect. I need to lose weight. I need to see my bones.

I starved myself from the time I was 14 until I was 18. If you ever want to kill yourself in the slowest way possible, develop an eating disorder. After 4 years of starving, and a weight loss of almost 55lbs, I slowly began eating again. Getting to a healthy weight was a 3.5 year process and a constant battle in my mind.

When I got pregnant, I was eating normal and considered a “healthy weight.” During my pregnancy, I stayed sick for the first 5 months. I also really struggled to force myself to eat enough when I wasn’t nauseas. I didn’t start gaining weight until my 6th month. In those last three month, I gained 35lbs 😩😳

After I had my daughter, a lot of the weight came off instantly. 3 weeks postpartum and I was back in my prepregancy clothes. And then the sleep deprivation and absent husband caught up with me. I lived off of Chick-Fil-A and Starbucks. I gained 20lbs that first year of my daughter’s life.

Since then, I’ve tried to diet and exercise to try to get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I have done T-25. I have done the Special K diet. I have gone gluten free. I have gone low-carb. The problem is I have hypothyroidism and I’m on birth control. Both of those things work against me. Not to mention the fact that my work and parenting schedule make working out on a regular basis tough.

Today I successfully kept my calories under 900. It has taken me about two weeks to get myself to a point where I can  do that and not feel like I’m dying. Unfortunately, the number on the scale hasn’t changed. It’s all about that number. 

The reality is, I’ll never be happy with the way I look. And I’m very aware that I probably see myself differently than the way everyone else sees me. My BMI is 1 percent higher than what is considered “healthy” for my height. I know that shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but to me, it’s devastating. I don’t think I’ll be happy until I get to the lower range of that “healthy weight”. 

The bitch about eating disorders is that it doesn’t matter what your weight is, there will always be a voice inside your head telling you it isn’t good enough, reminding you that you’ll never be perfect.




I decided to post this image again, taken from http://weheartit.com/entry/172710178 because it really is so very accurate. It shows exactly what it is like to be suffocating under the grips of Ana