If you read my 1am post, you know that I was hardcore struggling last night. Those thoughts were still there today, but not as pressing.

I did have a really bad flashback in yoga today. I was totally caught off guard by it – most of the time, I can feel them coming on or I know which poses trigger them; but not today. My favorite yoga teacher handled it like a pro though and came over to check on me and weighed me down with sandbags.

For me, it’s really embarrassing when I have a flashback in yoga and the teacher notices. It makes me feel like I have failed at keeping my “abnormalities” a secret. I don’t talk to most of the people in my life about my mental health issues, traumatic experiences, or CPTSD. I don’t talk about my history with self-injury, suicide, or drug addiction. I will talk about alcoholism some because, compared to everything else I have going on, I seem to have the most control over that and there is way less of a stigma that goes along with it.

At the end of this past summer, as I was contemplating whether or not I would go through with yoga teacher training, I spent some time talking to my favorite yoga teacher (one of the instructors for the training) about yoga and how it helps me and why I’m going through training. I didn’t go into very much detail regarding my trauma stuff, but did tell her who my therapist is, knowing that she knows my shrink very well. I think because of the relationship she has with my shrink, combined with the conversation I had with her, she at least has some general knowledge of my history. In most situations, this would stress me out. But I think for me, the fact that she has some general knowledge of what I’ve been through and how much I struggle sometimes, makes her so much more effective at helping me when things come up in class. She is very aware of when I am and am not present. She approaches me with compassion and tries to help when I am not present. I don’t think there is anyone else in my life who does that (outside of my therapists of course). I mean really though, I don’t get that kind of support anywhere else in the world. She’s also the only yoga teacher I have had who really notices and takes action when I have flashbacks in class. It makes me wonder if it is obvious to other yoga teachers too, or if it is only obvious to her because she knows my background.

Today, I am so grateful for her compassion and support during class as I abruptly jumped out of a restorative fish pose and into a restorative child’s pose. I felt my face get hot with embarrassment when I realized my reaction to the flashback. I was shaking and breathing heavy, and trying to remind myself that I am safe. I counted inhales and exhales in my child’s pose: breathing in “I am safe,” breathing out “I am loved.”

I spent my afternoon with a friend for some much needed connection and laughter. The anxiety dissipated. As soon as I got home and settled though, the recent events, including today’s flashback, yesterday’s marriage counseling session, and last night’s urges to kill myself, all caught up with me. I have spent much of my evening consumed with anxiety. At first, I chose to lay in my bed, wrapped in a cocoon of blankets, shutting out the world. However, I decided to channel all of that anxiety into being Martha-Fucking-Stuart! I made peanut butter balls. Something I’ve never done without the help of my Nana. I am pretty excited because not only did they turn out delicious, but I get to take them over to a friend’s house tomorrow to share the joy πŸ™‚

 

Advertisements