I am so tired of having a kid who never sleeps. Seriously. I’ve had enough. This is like some cruel joke that god plays on me. I need sleep. I have depression, anxiety, auto-immune diseases. All of those things get worse when I don’t have sleep. My kid has never slept. As a newborn, she was up for 19 straight hours, would sleep for a few hours, and then be up for another 19 straight hours. The pediatrician said she was just a kid who didn’t need a lot of sleep. As an infant, it would take 3-4 hours for her to fall asleep. Once asleep, she would sleep for 6-9 straight hours, and then be up for the rest of the day. Now, as an almost 3 year old, it takes several hours for her to fall asleep at night. She’s then up anywhere from 1-4 times in the middle of the night, only to be awake for the day by 7:30am (at the latest). She rarely naps.

I am frustrated to the point of tears tonight. I am so unbelievably tired of doing bedtime by myself 6 nights a week. I literally just can’t anymore. Single-momming it 90% of the week is hard enough; single-momming it with an overtired kid who refuses to sleep is a whole other dimension of hell. Not only do I not get nearly the amount of sleep that my body needs, I also don’t get time to myself at night because I’m constantly having to deal with a child who refuses to sleep.

And when I get frustrated like this, I try to use my breath. I try to count. I try to remind myself that it’s “just a phase”….even though this seems to be a phase that is NEVER going to fucking end. All I really want to do is cut myself until I can’t feel anymore frustration, until I am numb to the tantrums and screaming and whining.

My daughter is upstairs in her bed kicking the wall right now because I refuse to go in there another time tonight. I can’t. I can’t parent anymore today. I’m done.

And in times like this, I do 100% believe that someone else out there could be a much better mommy to her than me. Someone else could have the patience that she requires. I know that when it comes to sleep, my tolerance level is nowhere near where she needs it to be. I fail at meeting her needs. I fail at being supportive and compassionate and caring. I fail at being her mom.

It’s shitty that this is where my head is at the end of 2016. I’m going to go hang out in a restorative child’s pose until my kid falls asleep. Maybe 2017 will start off way better than 2016 is ending.

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