This quote comes from my amazing shrink during tonight’s session.
I have this problem where I apparently skip a bunch of steps and just go straight to being suicidal every time I get stressed out. For example: Friday’s sandtray session was incredibly stressful. If you missed it, you can read about it here. When I left therapy on Friday, I was overwhelmed and emotional and exhausted, and all I really wanted to do was kill myself.
Tonight, I was suicidal because I worked on cleaning the kitchen yesterday, and today, my husband made a huge fucking mess in the kitchen and didn’t clean it up. He also was a complete asshole about having to watch our daughter today while I went to yoga, worked, went to therapy, and went to yoga again. I went from “Yay Yoga” to “I think the world would be better off without me because I’m under appreciated and a failure at life.”
So clearly I miss this mindfulness piece where I think rationally about things and form a plan to take care of myself. Instead, I just jump straight to thinking the whole world would be better off without me. I mean, sometimes that’s probably true. But most of the time, no. I have so many coping skills. I mean, I did almost a year of fucking DBT! This should not be that difficult for me! Ah – you want to know what just happened in my mind? In my head, I just called myself a failure because I am not applying and generalizing my skills from DBT.
And this is where the problem is! That inner critic is a fucking bitch.
One day, I’ll learn to love myself and use my rational mind when dealing with emotions.
Until then, I’m going to spend the next few weeks really mapping out a plan, steps, for where my mind should go if I feel stressed out. If they turn out well, I’ll post them on here 🙂
PS: My shrink reads my blog – don’t report me for being suicidal….I’m not killing myself right now….I’m walking into a yoga class.