It’s been a few days since I’ve written. Shocker! I know!
My week has been harder than I anticipated. Monday feels like forever ago. Work has been difficult this week, to say the least. My head is still stuck in my sandtray from last week, which is making it difficult to focus. I’ve had high anxiety numbers all week due to work stress, trauma stress, and parenting-a-toddler stress. My head has been in a really dark place all week….thinking about the kinds of things that I don’t like to talk about.
Today was excessively bad. Work was beyond hard today; I didn’t even get to eat…not until dinner. I glanced down at my phone at 9:30am and wanted to cry, realizing I was missing restorative yoga with my favorite teacher.
When I called my husband on my way home from work, I found out that he got fired today. With $48 in our bank account, my husband lost his job. I don’t get paid again for another week. For so many reasons, this is bad: groceries, daycare, gas for me to get to work, therapy. That stress alone is enough to make me want to die.
I am currently consumed with anxiety. I feel like there is always such a lack of stability in my life, and there has been forever. If it’s not my husband, it’s other people and events that surround me. I am so sick of instability. I understand that life is full of ups and downs and “unknowns.” I try to accept life on life’s terms (thanks, AA). But events like my husband losing his job or work being stressful seem SOOOO BIG to me. Maybe they aren’t as big as my mind makes them out to be. However, because to me they are earth-shattering, I can’t cope with them. I am unable to effectively calm myself down….even with yoga. Instead, I begin thinking about killing myself, because in my fucked up mind, that’s the only logical solution; it’s the only way to make the uncertainty and inconsistency and anxiety stop.
Even after yoga tonight, I am still a hot mess of stress and anxiety. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to take off work tomorrow so I can make my therapy appointment….which I clearly need….I contemplated canceling it earlier in the week, but nope….definitely need therapy tomorrow….even if my shrink just covers me in sandbags and let’s me lay there for an hour….I need to escape the hell that is consuming my mind.
Edited to add that I cannot take credit for this title. It comes from the song Luca by Brand New – listen here