Tomorrow I’m seeing my marriage counselor by myself to talk to her about… S-E-X 😵
I never thought sex was complicated for me….not until I started trauma work. One of the very first realizations that I had in trauma work was that maybe the things that I went through as a kid shaped the way my sex life is now as an adult.
I’ve only ever had consensual sex with my husband. I had several long-term boyfriends in high school (and lots of short terms and hookups), and I agonized over whether or not I should lose my virginity to them. In fact, when I got to go through old session notes from my hometown therapist over Thanksgiving, sex and boyfriend issues were a weekly theme. If sex was that stressful when I wasn’t having sex, I’m not sure why I thought sex wouldn’t be at least a little complicated when I’m actually doing it.
Sex is complicated for so many reasons for me. It’s a struggle between wanting things that feel good, wanting to escape reality, wanting to have control over what feels good, and wanting to forget the past. I also don’t really understand what is and isn’t “acceptable.” I go along with what is suggested, because I struggle to set boundaries…but also because I don’t know if I’m supposed to go with it or not. And then there’s the flashbacks….oh my god the flashbacks….
Ugh – complicated
I don’t do well talking about sex; it’s embarrassing and vulnerable. It’s also really triggering. And maybe there’s a decent amount of shame involved. Tomorrow’s session is going to be stressful, I can already tell.