In an attempt to decrease my suicidal thoughts, my shrink wants me to write a post on the things that I am proud of from this week. So, here it goes:
- I was SUPER successful and productive at work this week.
- I made it to three yoga classes in the last 24 hours….taking care of my emotional needs…2 of the 3 classes were with my favorite yoga teachers
- I mended a relationship with my friend after a conflict we had last weekend
- I talked to my marriage counselor about sex…that was sooooo challenging for me, but I did it and I think I got a lot out of it
- I didn’t buy razor blades when I went to Target after marriage counseling yesterday, even though I went down the aisle and stared at them for a few minutes
- I also didn’t hang myself with my yoga strap last night like I wanted – I know my shrink is pretty happy about this one…
- I reached out to friends and attempted to set up some time for us to hang out so I didn’t feel so alone…none of those have worked out yet, but at least I attempted, which I more than I normally can do
I guess when I really think about it, I am most proud of myself for taking care of myself these past 29 hours. It’s been really difficult. I feel like I have posted a lot of vague details on my blog this week, but that’s primarily because I am not at a place where I’m ready to talk about what is going on. It’s been a really difficult week, with trauma stuff and marriage stuff. Yesterday, I was like 99% positive that the only way out of all the “stuff” was to kill myself. I couldn’t verbalized that to my marriage counselor, even though a part of me really wanted to tell her what was really going through my head. But I didn’t. I sat with the emotions. I didn’t wrist bang or cut or burn myself. I chose to go to yoga, sleep, go to more yoga, work, go to therapy, and go to more yoga. I chose to show myself compassion and take care of my needs.
Life is still hard. Taking care of myself didn’t fix the situations, but it lowered my anxiety numbers from like a 10 to a 4. A 4 is still high for me to be sitting compared to where I normally am these days. There was a time where a 4 seemed super low. I’m hopeful that I’ll be down to a 1 or 2 by the end of the weekend. 💜