I hear my therapist’s voice: What would feel good right now
I don’t know. I don’t know the answer. Not to be anxious anymore. That is the answer. To not feel anything anymore.
I’ve spent the last 56 hours with anxiety numbers above a 7…and most of today at a solid 10. They did dropped briefly on Friday, but were back up by the time I went to bed. I don’t know how to take care of myself when my numbers are this high for this long. Everything I try only brings temporary relief. I can feel myself losing everything I’ve worked towards. When I close my eyes, all I see are images of self harm. I’m trying to remind myself that cutting didn’t make me feel better the last time I did it.
Because my numbers are so high, my flashbacks have gotten really bad. My husband snapped at me tonight and suddenly I was gone – dissociated without any warning. It’s like every trauma memory I have is stuck in this loop – playing over and over in my head.
For the first time in a really long time, I’m scared.
Yoga tomorrow. Therapy and yoga on Monday. I’m trying to believe that this will go away. Right now though, feels exactly like it did when I first started trauma work.