I am going to bed in a better place than when I woke up. It’s the first time in a week. I think a lot has to do with the 6 yoga classes I’ve taken in the last 4 days. However, I know that one of the reasons my anxiety is lower is directly correlated to the work that I did in therapy today.

I read through a difficult trauma memory, and for the first time ever, I really felt that memory. The emotions were so much more present than they’ve ever been. I’ve spent over 20 years numbing those feelings; most of my life trying to hide from them. What happened to me was horrible and it wasn’t fair. And, as my therapist said today, I didn’t deserve it. And for the first time ever, I believe her when she says that. She’s right: I didn’t deserve it. 

We also worked on some of the events going on in my marriage today. I had a big “ah ha” moment. Perhaps the reason that things in my marriage seem soooo over the top horrible right now is because they really have been so great these past couple months, with just minor bumps. Having a huge event like this one seems so much bigger when everything has been going well.

Anyways…. I made it to two great yoga classes today, therapy, and a much needed lunch with a friend. Tonight is the first night since Thursday that I’m really not contemplating killing myself. πŸ’œ