I’ve spent the last 50 hours struggling with trauma memories. However, my weekend hasn’t been “bad.” I’ve put forth extra effort to be present and positive. I’ve also taken time for myself when I needed it.
Today I went to two yoga classes, taught by my two favorite teachers. This morning, I found myself on the verge of tears when I was in a restorative twist. I tried to shake the feeling, but I couldn’t. I found that if I wasn’t 100% focused on the pose and linking breath to movement, I was stuck in the past or consumed with the sadness of not being able to change it.
Tonight’s class was a fully restorative class taught by my therapist. I was anxious prior to class…anticipatory anxiety maybe….I was anxious over what would possibly come up for me in class. I settled into my first pose though and was ok. In restorative twists, a few things came up, similar to this morning, but I focused on my breath and staying present. I was ok. At some point, we were in a side lying pose. This isn’t my favorite pose in restorative yoga, but not for any particular reason. I got into the pose and was ok. And then the teacher started talking. She referenced a quote that changed the entire class for me.
“Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured.”
What cannot be cured…
I was back in sand tray work. I cannot change the past. I cannot keep Alice safe. I cannot take away all of the hurt that that little girl endures.
I curled up into child’s pose and cried. I cried for what seemed like forever. The sun was setting and the room got dark. My blanket draped over me, closing me off from the world, as my whole body felt the harsh reality of acceptance. And because of yoga, I was able to endure that harsh reality tonight. Because of yoga, I was able to feel the acceptance throughout my entire body.
I know that I still have a lot of work to do on accepting what happened to me, but tonight, I was able to heal a little bit. Somehow, in hearing that I have yoga to help endure the things that I cannot change, I felt an immense sense of acceptance and comfort. Tonight’s tears in yoga were tears of healing.