Last night my husband and I celebrated Valentine’s Day by going out to see the new 50 Shades movie. I loved the books and when I saw the first movie, I went into it with the mindset of “This will be nothing like the books.” Overall, I enjoyed the movie. 

This time, same thing – I went into it knowing it wouldn’t be like the books. I actually was surprised at how much more sex was in this one vs the first one, and the acting has gotten better! There were parts of the movie that were hard for me – like seeing a girl with bandages on her wrists or watching Christian Grey have nightmares and flashbacks. However, I did really enjoy the movie. 

Prior to trauma work, I truly believed that “good sex” hurt. I wouldn’t go all the way to identifying myself as a masochist, but I did like to be fucked. Hard. And I also liked some of the things that happen in 50 Shades that are painful. I think 18 months of trauma work and 10 months of marriage counseling has changed some of that for me. Last night, however, I was prepared to go home and have 50 Shades Sex. 

While I was in the shower, I reminded myself that what happens now is different than what happened to me when I was little. I talked myself through the process of identifying when my body starts to feel like it’s being traumatized again and how to communicate that with my husband. I told myself that I was safe and going to be ok. 

I got into bed, and took a deep breath in as my husband started to touch me. We’ve talked 1000 times about the things that I would prefer happen instead of him going straight for that, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Just like we’ve talked 1000 times about how I need to have at least some light so that I can see what’s going on. It’s ok – I’m safe

Well, after all of that mental preparation I did, sex ended up being just plain vanilla. It was about as mundane as it gets. He said it was late and he was tired – ok fair enough. But still….when you’ve worked so hard to mentally prepare yourself for S&M kinky fuckery, it’s about 50 Shades of Disappointment when everything ends up being vanilla. I guess on the plus side, there were no trauma flashbacks.

Also: my husband made me chocolate covered strawberries for Valentine’s Day. They’re my favorite 😍