So something happened yesterday in yoga that I didn’t talk about in my blog Yoga and Self-Care. The teacher for the vinyasa class I went to yesterday is very “hands on.” Because she is also one of the instructors for my yoga teacher training, she knows that I have complex PTSD and don’t always do well with being touched.

During savasana, she came around to give her assists. Instead of pressing on my shoulders, which is what I had anticipated, she placed one hand on my wrist/forearm and one on my shoulder. My whole body tensed up.

My mind was racing. She’s touching my scars!!! No one touches them. Please, please don’t touch them. Their mine. I don’t want you to touch them. I don’t want you to know. I could feel the tears under my closed eyelids. Please don’t notice.

And then it stopped. Within a matter of just a few seconds, my whole emotional state changed from relaxed to fearful and ashamed. But once it stopped, I was able to take a cleansing breath, calm my mind down, and relax into shavasana.

I’m not used to people touching the part of my arm that is covered in scars. Not even my husband touches that part of my arm. For me, that was one of the most vulnerable moments I’ve ever experienced in a yoga class. All of my pain and secrets exposed…

Advertisements