My day was so productive and positive. And then, out of no where, the anxiety took over. My breath is shallow – I physically am struggling to take the type of breaths that I so desperately need in order to calm myself down. I don’t even know how all of this started…

I’m only two days into March and I already am battling urges to cut and suicide ideation 😩 I’m failing at my plan to be ok this month.

It started with sex I think. I wasn’t anxious until after that. My husband and I now have a short time in the afternoon where we are both home without our daughter. Today I asked him if he would have sex with me before going to pick up our kid from daycare. He was reluctant. I said, “Please just take like 3 minutes to have sex with me.” He found that offensive…even though that’s pretty much just my normal reference for sex when he isn’t in the mood…just do it quick and then you can go on with the rest of your day. 

We did end up having sex, but it was evident that his anger carried over. The look on his face made it very clear…. and the thumb print bruise left on my arm from where he held me down makes it even more clear….

I had a hard time staying present. This was not what I had in mind.

When it was over, he went to pick up our daughter. Apparently his anger carried over into that as well because I could hear my daughter screaming and crying before they even walked into the house. He had refused to give her a snack or her iPad in the car because she “wasn’t behaving.” He couldn’t give me a clearly defined behavioral expectation though, so I’m not really sure what she was doing wrong. 

After our daughter went to bed, I tried to talk to him about finances for the month of March. That went awful. He played on his phone and didn’t even look at me. He barely acknowledged what I was saying. And once I explained that we will be about $300 short this month, he said, “So even if you do get that $75 gift card, I guess I won’t be getting my $200 drill?” After all that…after hearing that we’re $300 short for our regular bills, plus we have to pay his car taxes this month, plus we have to pay $460 to the HOA for the year…..all he could do was think about the damn drill that he wants for work.

It sucks because every time I think about dropping marriage counseling, he acts like a douche. And really, I can’t afford marriage counseling at the moment. But clearly we still need it. 

My anxiety is at a 10. I feel like the financial part of my life is never going to get better. I feel like my husband is never going to put forth the effort to help make it get better. And all I want to do right now is make the angry butterflies in my tummy go away. I want to cut.

Advertisements