My sister is undergoing another emergency surgery. She developed a massive infection in her abdomen due to the shunt surgery she had on Saturday. Apparently it was so bad that she wasn’t even coherent today. She’s been in the OR for over four hours now, which is usually not a good sign.
I kept it together at work this afternoon. It was difficult, but I did it. On my way home, I stopped for a chocolate milkshake. Because when life is awful, at least there are milkshakes.
I cried for about 20 minutes on my way home. I couldn’t handle the anxiety and stress and keeping everything inside anymore. But crying didn’t make me feel better this time. Instead it made me angry. I’m angry because this grief cycle is never going to end. I’m angry because my sister is always going to have to suffer. I’m angry because no one should have to live like that. And I’m angry because I want the pain to go away and it never will.
When I got home, I took a shower and crawled into bed….where I currently am buried under all of my covers. I’m supposed to be cooking dinner right now. However, I don’t trust myself to go downstairs. I don’t trust myself not to act on these thoughts racing through my head.
My husband left to go pick up our daughter from daycare. I told him I was upset and why. He offered nothing…not even a hug, let alone a yoga class. Literally no support. Words cannot express how incredibly alone I feel right now…alone and afraid.