Raise your hand if you do an awesome job of articulating your needs when your anxiety numbers are at a 10!
That’s what I thought.
When I was really anxious this week, I emailed my therapist and basically said I wanted to kill myself because my life has always been shitty and I don’t want to feel anymore.
What I should have said was…
I am really anxious and I’m having a hard time getting it under control. I don’t know how to effectively cope with the fear and anxiety surrounding my sister’s illness. Because my anxiety is so high, now I’m struggling to not have anxiety about everything else in the world, including trauma stuff. It feels like the anxiety isn’t going to ever go away. I need help being rational. I need help coping with grief and fear.
But I didn’t say any of that. Not in an email; not on a blog; and probably not in my session yesterday.
Raise your hand if you do an awesome job of asking for help when you need it!
I used to get pissed when people said that suicide is a cry for help. No, I thought, suicide is a way to escape the pain. Even this week, I thought that all I wanted or needed was to escape the pain. Tonight, upon reflection, what I needed (and still need) is help coping with my sister being sick. Did I want to escape the pain this week? Yes. Did I want to escape the anxiety? Yes. Did I need help finding a strategy to help me cope? Yes. Did I reach out and ask for it? No. Instead, I focused on my emotional mind instead of on my rational mind.
Looks like I have more shit to work on in therapy… 🙄 One day, I hope I figure out how to just do life.