If you follow my blog, you know that my 2-year-old daughter has worse insomnia than I do. I am trying this new thing where I don’t immediately rush into her room when she yells or cries out. I know; I know: I should’ve been doing this forever ago. 

It is so incredibly difficult for me to hear her crying out and not go in and check on her. Of course 9 times out of 10, she is fine. I can see her on the monitor. I remember when she was less than a year old and her pediatrician told me to do this. I cried. She asked me why this was so upsetting and I told her I didn’t know. But I did. It was so upsetting because I know exactly how it feels to really need your mom and her not be there for you.

I understand that my daughter waking up for the third time in the middle of the night to have her blankets straightened up is very different than being a latch key kid at 5, having your mom miss all of the signs of sexual abuse, and being kicked out of your house at 17. I know they are different; I know that I am not her. But still, it’s hard for me to not rush to every cry my daughter makes. It’s hard because I don’t ever want her to feel like I didn’t care about her or love her. I don’t want her to feel alone. 

The cry it out method is challenging for all mommies. I think for me, my years of trauma and lack of secure attachments make it even more difficult.