This past weekend I decided that my daughter (who is almost three) really needed to transition out of her toddler bed and into a twin size bed. It became particularly evident when she pushed against the back of the toddler bed so hard in her sleep that the mattress slid off and almost onto the floor. So, I ordered her a twin bed and it arrived yesterday.

I took her shopping last night for new bedding for her new big girl bed. Like most almost three-year-olds, she is obsessed with the movie Trolls. So, hot pink Trolls bedding it is 🙂 My husband took the crib/toddler bed apart while her and I were shopping, and set up her new bed. As I tucked her in last night, I couldn’t help be feel a little empty. I am excited for all of her milestones, but this is probably the first one that brings me to tears.

For those of you who haven’t read my post The Heartache of Infertilitymy husband and I struggled for two years to get pregnant. I remember going into the guest bedroom (now my daughter’s room), and laying on the guest bed in a heap of tears after negative pregnancy tests. I wanted so much for there to be a reason to put a crib in that room. I wanted more than anything to have my own child. I would spend hours sitting in that room, picturing what it would look like as a nursery, grieving the loss of “what could have been.” Taking the crib out last night brought me back to those moments.

I wasn’t prepared to take the crib out. I made a spur of the moment decision and didn’t spend much time thinking about how it would affect me. After all, it’s my daughter’s bedroom, not mine. I was really caught off guard by how emotional this experience was for me. I wasn’t expecting it. Every other milestone has been a time of joy and excitement. In almost three years, it’s the first time I really feel like I no longer have a “baby.” It hurts. I miss her being little. And as much as I want another baby, I don’t trust myself and my mental health issues to bring another life into the world right now. I struggle enough just to stay present and be a good mommy to my daughter. Bringing a newborn baby into the mix right now seems like way more than I can handle.

I am excited about my daughter’s birthday next month and I love watching her grow up more than just about anything. I know three’s are tough, but I am eager to see how much she learns, grows, and changes in this next year. However, I am also so very sad that her crib, the crib that I longed for during two difficult years of infertility, is currently sitting in pieces in the bonus room. I can’t help but wonder if we will ever need it again.