Do you ever feel so incredibly overwhelmed by how fucked up you are; by the extent of your fucked up mental health?
That’s where I am right now.
In addition to still trying to heal the hurt that occurred as a result of a conflict I had with my therapist a few weeks ago (which I essentially brought upon myself), I am also struggling with the amount of work I have left to do in therapy. Today, when it was pointed out that I spend 99.9% of my day in my sympathetic nervous system, and my goal is to decrease that number, I literally wanted to beat my head against a wall. Like what the fuck is wrong with me?!?! Why can’t I just fucking be normal?!?!
I’m seriously toying with the idea of quitting therapy. For starters, I can’t afford it. My almost three year old is starting weekly therapy sessions for anxiety this week. My husband is not making nearly what he thought he would be making at his new job. And I am currently drowning in debt. If my daughter needs therapy, then I need to make a sacrifice somewhere for her to get what she needs. The only thing I can really sacrifice is therapy….well, therapy and yoga. We already live on a super tight budget—- well not my husband, he eats out for lunch several times a week and spends money on whatever he pleases….but I stick to a super strict budget.
In addition to not being able to afford therapy, I also feel like I am making 0 progress. After all of the work I’ve done in the last 20 months, if I’m still spending 99.9% of my life in this anxious state of mind, then clearly I’m not making progress. There’s no hope for me. I will never get better. I’ve worked so incredibly hard these last 20 months. But obviously it hasn’t made a difference. I’d be better off saving my money and just going back to using self-injury as a coping skill. 99.9% of my day is spent in my sympathetic nervous system: fight, flight, or freeze.
I don’t want to live like this. And if all of the work I’ve done hasn’t made a difference, then what’s the point of living at all.
Oh Alice, I do wish you hadn’t cried so much…