I am having such a difficult time blogging lately. I feel torn. I want to write, but I’m afraid that what I have to say is either going to get me in trouble or be triggering for my readers.
On the outside, it looks like I’m doing really well. No cuts or bruises. I’m relatively calm. I can engage in conversations. But on the inside, there is an emptiness that I haven’t felt in years. There’s this ominous pit in my stomach and a nagging inner dialog reminding me that I always fuck up everything. And, because I fuck everything up, no one will miss me if I leave.
My head is in such a dark place right now. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this low for this long…3 weeks now. I can’t remember the last time I hated myself this much. It is amazing how one mistake can ruin everything.
In 15 days, I’ll be celebrating 500 days without cutting. I am grateful for making it this far, but honestly I’m not even sure if I want to celebrate this milestone. I kind of want to give up the 485 days that I have just so I can numb the loneliness, guilt, and self-hatred that I feel right now. Besides, there is a massive wall between me and the person I would want to celebrate with. Despite all of my efforts, I can’t bring myself to allow that person back in.
Today, I am struggling. I feel empty and alone. I feel hurt and angry. Today, I just want to escape the pain.
I have plans to attend two yoga classes and therapy today. The cynic in me doubts that any of that will help. I am struggling to make myself get out of bed. I just want to shut myself off from the world even more. I know that’s not healthy though. I don’t understand why I am struggling so much or why I can’t get myself out of this dark place. It feels like the whole world is against me, and instead of fighting it, I am just allowing myself to drown.