What words pop into your mind when someone asks you to think about your younger self?
These are mine: Disgusting. Gross. Bad.
I can give you a slew of other negative words that describe me (or described me at one point or another): slut, whore, bitch, druggy, addict, crazy, borderline, cynical, loner, user….the list goes on.
Right now I am working on replacing those negatives with words that more accurately depict the person that I am. It’s hard. I’m working on showing compassion to my younger self….something else that’s hard.
When I think about the little girl that I used to be, I feel hatred rushing through my veins. I resent her. I resent her to the point of wanting to physically hurt her. I hate that she didn’t tell. I hate that she went along with it; she let him hurt her for all those years.
The rational part of my brain knows that these are lies. It knows that she did the best that she could do at the time. My younger self grew up thinking that every brother hurt their sister like he hurt me. In fact, even as an adult, I still tend to think that way. If you have a brother (by blood, marriage, etc.), I pretty much just assume that he sexually abuses you. Again….clearly not my rational mind talking at the moment.
The problem is that I can’t quiet my irrational mind long enough right now to believe what my rational mind is saying. I can’t seem to let go of the anger that I have for my younger self. I feel like I’m supposed to be directing that anger towards my abuser, but I can’t. I can’t allow myself to go there. Maybe I’m afraid of what might happen if I do….I’m afraid that I’ll never quit being angry.