Today I have an appointment for one of those “yearly women’s wellness” checkups at Planned Parenthood. Basically, someone is going to shove some metal contraption inside of my vag and swab it with a giant q-tip thing. I hate these appointments. The only reason I’m going is because I need more birth control…. because I can’t handle having another child right now… and they won’t give me more pills until I get my chach looked at 😒

My appointment is several hours from now, but my anxiety numbers are already holding steady at an 8 on my 1-10 scale. When you have complex PTSD from years of childhood sexual abuse, things that are just “uncomfortable” for most women can be devastating for you. I strategically scheduled a therapy session immediately following my doctor’s appointment. Hopefully if anything does come up, I can have the courage to discuss it with my shrink. 

The last time I went in for this type of appointment (Dec 2015), the doctor gently grabbed my arm, still covered in healing cuts from three weeks prior. She asked me a million questions about them. She asked if I was on medication for depression or anxiety, and told me that maybe I should look into that. I had to have the uncomfortable conversation of why I can’t take medication. She also told me that I needed to model healthy coping skills for my daughter. Well no shit. I spent most of that evening struggling with flashbacks. I didn’t feel safe.

I’m hoping today is different. I am going into this appointment with no fresh cuts or scars. Today is day 493 without cutting! I am planning on using my breath, practicing yoga at home tonight, and seeing my therapist. I feel more equipped to handle this now than I was last time. However, the anxiety is still there…. because what if I can’t handle it?