Earlier today, I went to a yoga class. My favorite instructor was teaching it – a flow class that I don’t normally attend. I walked in with high anxiety numbers – the result of a stressful weekend and trauma-related nightmares. My instructor must have noticed because she didn’t say much to me. A friend of mine arrived just before class and set up next to me. Her presence and surface chatter were a nice distraction.
During class, I found myself working really hard to stay present. I kept dissociating when we held a pose for any length of time. My favorite instructor must have noticed because she kept making comments about quieting the mind chatter and letting go of what isn’t serving us. At one point, I was so disconnected that, when she praised me for my side plank, I was so startled that I almost fell.
I have had a difficult time staying present for much of today. Every time I close my eyes, I see him hurting that little girl. I’ve had high anxiety all day, with the exception of immediately following yoga class. I know this is temporary. I know it won’t feel this way forever. I’m not sure why it’s so bad today. I do have a memory to work through in therapy this week, so maybe that’s part of it. I also think my mom’s comments yesterday brought up tons of emotions that I wasn’t expecting to deal with this weekend. I just want my anxiety numbers to drop… this is miserable