My anxiety is so high right now. It’s actually been really high since sometime last week. I made a decision about a month ago to cut back on my therapy sessions due to money. I’m going once a week instead of twice a week. Last week was my first week with that and I did really well. This week, I’m struggling so much. I just want to break down and cry.

Tonight I buried myself under sandbags and got into a restorative child’s pose.

 My husband came in and said, “Don’t worry – you see your therapist in 2 days.” I replied: “No. I cut back sessions due to money, remember? No more therapy this week.” He said, “Well maybe you should schedule one.” I spent some time thinking about that. I mean, I really would like to be able to cut back on my therapy for a lot of reasons. However, the anxiety is still so bad that I figured sure…I’ll email my shrink and see if she’s available.

Of course she isn’t. Every other Friday that I go, I’m like the only person she has scheduled. But for whatever reason, she basically has no availability that fits my schedule this week. Now my anxiety is even higher than it was before. I didn’t even think that was possible. I don’t do well when I have high numbers for an extended period of time. I’m especially concerned because it has not been very long since my last big suicidal ideation episode (only about 5 weeks). High numbers for a long time usually leads to SI. And SI usually leads to self harm in some way, shape, or form.

I’m in a complete state of panic right now.