In yoga teacher training tonight, we practiced hip openers and assists. My group tonight consisted of me and a male in our training. I have been avoiding working with a male on assists in yoga teacher training because of my background with trauma; I wasn’t sure if it would trigger something for me.
In training tonight, he and I were given the pose Bound Angle to workshop and show variations and modifications. I hate this pose. Even the instructor knows I hate this pose, and she apologized when she realized she had given it to us.
My partner asked me why I didn’t like it.
The image flashed through my head. I can’t tell him what happened.
“I have specific trauma memories attached to sitting like that,” I said. He said that made sense and he could understand why I didn’t like it then. I told him that it took me months of practice to be able to stay in reclined bound angle without having a flashback. We workshopped the pose and everything was fine. He physically assisted me in a few other poses, but I didn’t have any flashbacks. Less than a year ago, I wouldn’t have been able to do that. I’ve come along way since then with my trauma work. However, I still have a ways to go.
Before we got into assists, we did a 75 minute flow that focused on twists and hip openers. I found myself either hyper focused on my practice or lost in a trauma memory. Something about twists brings up those emotions. I try to think of it as my body wringing out all of the negative thoughts and feelings. Several times I stopped the tears from falling because I didn’t want to be known as the girl who cried through the entire teacher training. But the reality is: I am soooo heartbroken for my younger self and the pain that she endured. I want to fix it for her, but I can’t change the past. I can only try to heal from it. And through yoga, I find healing.